Help Yourself

Midway through his speech he called for my attention,“Jay!”

“Yea,” I responded.

“Jay!” he called even louder.

“Yea!” I responded again.

“Are you paying attention?” He asked.

I wasn’t really. I was watching the pavement pass under my feet, as we walked, and feeling bad for myself. Of course I couldn’t tell him that, not that it would’ve made much of a difference anyway.

I took in a calm breath and responded, “Yes, Dad”.

“Then why do you have an attitude?” He asked. I don’t have a fucking attitude. We’ve had this same argument before. Anytime I’m sad, or feeling bad, he assumes I have some sort of attitude, and even when I explain how I’m feeling he sees no problem in telling me I’m wrong about my own fucking feelings.

Anyway, I definitely have an attitude now so all all I could do was glare at him.

After realizing that I wasn’t gonna respond he let out a sigh and continued the same speech I’ve heard a thousand times. He has a well passing English accent, and for those who don't know him very well, he has a certain ethnic ambiguity about him. Still, he's guilty of some of the grammatical corner cutting that most people have when English is their second language.

“Remember, nobody’s gonna help you, but you, Jay." He said, "You need to be able to help yourself in this world, Jay," he repeated my name annoyingly, in order to make sure I was listening, "and that’s what I’m trying to show you. You see all these other kids that wanna play? Right," he continued while pointing his arm at the kids pointlessly messing around in a corner off the field. "That’s because they don’t have fathers, or anyone else in their lives to show them. Don’t you understand how lucky you are?”

It took a lot longer than it should’ve for him to realize how wrong he was. That his way wasn’t the only way, but now I’m in college and I can finally do things my own way.

As a matter of fact, I recently put my name down to be a part of a meeting with a bunch of nonprofit leaders. The thing is I also need to be one myself if I wanna attend, so starting today I’m the founder and creator of Social Jail. With ten minutes left before the meeting starts, I made sure to be one of the first to arrive, so nothing catches me by surprise. The receptionist pointed me in the right direction, where two people stood ready to greet incoming guests. I nervously inched my way towards them, one was a girl who seemed half as nervous as me and the other was an older man, who seemed to be in charge of it all.

Ounce I was close enough he kindly asked, “Can we help you with anything?”

“I’m here for the meeting.” I said.

“Ohh, you are. Alright, we’re gonna get started in a few minutes,” he responded while checking his watch. He then pointed me towards the complimentary refreshments and continued,“Go ahead and feel free to help yourself to anything you like, just make sure to fill out one of the name tags for you and your business.”

“Ok then, will do,” I responded, and strolled inside.

The room was big enough to fit at least 50 people. There were about 15 tables and chairs positioned in a U-shape at the center of it, and centered above the U, at the front of the room was a white board with an itinerary written on it. The refreshments were right by the entrance as I walked in, beneath the U. Like any other college student with a working brain and a need to survive, I helped myself to as much as respectfully possible.

The hosts’ continued to wait for more guests and talk quietly near the entrance while I made my name tag and started helping myself to more refreshments.I figured they must’ve gotten curious about me because while I was trying to figure out the coffee machine, I could see them whispering between glances at my name tag.

Finally the older man turned to me, shook my hand again and asked,“So who do you represent?”

Ok. Here we go. This was expected, and I had been practicing this whole little spiel over and over again while I was walking here, and even while I was waiting for this meeting to start. “Social Jail” I told him. “It’s basically meant to promote communication in organized environments to avoid social issues, and develop a better understanding of disenfranchised minorities.” That wasn't exactly what I practiced. "Women not being able to vote, getting treated like you have mental issues for being gay or trans," while I spoke his face rose in a judging manner, "these are all issues that could've been avoided quicker if these people had a platform to communicate their issues to the public." I started to suspect that he had me figured out, but his judgmental stare fell into an understanding nod.

Part of me was completely ready to get kicked out, but being understood just now feels like I'm finally gonna figure this whole thing out and get a away with this lie. I mean it wasn’t a complete lie. The ideas real, the business just isn’t.

He then kindly said, “Very nice, well we’re about to get started so you shouldn’t have to wait much longer.”

“Alrighty then, thank you.” I responded, with a smile and renewed confidence.

After that the other guests just seemed to slowly pour in. A few of them also introduced themselves to me and I was able to give my spiel a little easier after each time. Some of them ran very impressive operations, some I couldn’t even begin to understand what they did, and some surprised me by the fact that they were even in the same room as me.

Eventually the hosts stepped away from the entrance and positioned themselves in front of the white board. The man I spoke to earlier started to go over the itinerary for the new people in the room. I might've been the only new person. The itinerary outlined the basic plan for the meeting but altogether they just planned for an open discussion between the representatives looking to help each other out.

As they each spoke about their deeply professional business practices, I found myself completely unable to relate. I suppose I could understand on some level so I continued to pay close attention, trying to take whatever value I can from their words, and I guess that’s what everyone else was doing. However, while they all continued to bounce ideas and concerns off each other, I started to sense less and less value in their words. Something felt wrong.

Maybe it’s cause I haven’t slept, or that I haven’t said anything.

I need to say something. I need ideas that related to my concerns. I need valuable ideas. I just need to say something. I started to pay even closer attention, again looking for any chance to enter the discussion. Finally someone said something I could relate to and without any hesitation, I pounced on it. I raised my arm to speak, everyone’s eyes shifted towards me for the first time since the meeting started, and I knew I had their absolute attention. They were ready to take whatever value they could from what I was about to say,“It’s interesting that you say that because my organization is hoping to minimize issues like that because we understand that certain needs should be addressed at some point or another, and so we think the earlier the better,” I said.

Satisfied with that, I looked around and waited for the valuable ideas to start bouncing around, but they didn’t. They just continued with other things, other things that I found no value in.

I feel so dumb. I shouldn’t be surprised.

What I said had nothing to do with what the woman before me said.

This was a stupid idea anyway. I mean it was just so easy to get in, I figured I wouldn’t need much else.

I’m just a fake, everyone else here is real with real intentions and I’m just some fucking kid who got bored. I’m not even dressed right, everyone else is dressed appropriately, like a professional, meanwhile I’m wearing last nights outfit, because I slept over at my friends house and just managed to wake up in time for this meeting.

I had no doubt that I would stick out since I’m so young, but I wouldn’t even wear this to dinner. Why did I wear this? Why am I even here still?

My mind just kept racing until all I could do was feel bad for myself. This dejected feeling drowned out all the conversations around me as I picked at a loose grape on my plate.

The feeling was familiar. My Dad would probably say I had an attitude right now. I’m sinking into my emotions and I’m pretty sure it’s obvious, I couldn’t control the face I was making. It’s not like anyone’s gonna kick me out now but I didn’t sign up to be part of this meeting to ignore it.

I lifted my head and started to pay attention to the other guests again. I managed to find a few more instances where I could speak, and even though I knew it wouldn’t be necessarily valuable I didn’t care, I said what I wanted to. Eventually, I got to talk to some impressive people and they didn’t treat me like some lost kid. They treated me as someone with potential, but also as someone who was capable of helping himself. I also helped myself to plenty of complimentary refreshments.

The man told us we were welcome to come back for the next meeting, but I never got the email so maybe they did figure me out. I had chased down my first big idea, and it didn’t pan out as wonderfully as I hoped. I honestly didn’t expect it to pan out much. Chasing the idea had more to do with knowing that I could help myself with my own ideas. If I couldn’t come to that realization at some point or another, I might’ve switched majors or even dropped out.

About a year later my school had a career fair, and the same man I spoke to was there. I’m not sure if he recognized me or not but he offered me a job and I’m going in for an interview next month. Some ideas are worth chasing, some aren’t, and the only shame that should ever be involved is if it they could hurt someone else. A business serves to help people not hurt people, and ideas are how they always start. I’m always gonna find a way to help myself and anyone else, using my ideas.